Grief & Discounting
This past Sunday in Church, the pastor said “Most often than not, we question why God doesn’t “play fair”, and why those who may have worked less for something have it better off. And when we allow the thoughts of other’s “lighter load” to consume us, we single handedly discount every ounce of grace and mercy because we are to focused on why HE didn’t “Play Fair” in the first place, and leave us with the lighter load.”
5 ½ Months ago, nobody knew. Sure initially, they could see how red my face was and how beat my eyes were from crying… but still, nobody knew. It came way to soon, and was so out of left field. Heck, the week before it happened I ran down south in high hopes that I could see her… and when I didn’t get to, I just told myself “It’s okay, I will catch her soon.” But the second that text came across my phone as I was southbound on Highway 25 I felt my whole world shatter into millions of pieces. The night she passed, I allowed myself one night to deal with it, but after that one night… the masking started. A month went by since she had left, I remember waking up the following morning on the bathroom floor because I cried so hard I puked my guts out. That was the first time it finally caught up with me, and still… not a single soul knew about it. But, I knew… I knew I couldn’t shove it down much longer. And yet, I still managed to.
For those that don’t know, this past Summer I lost my Boss from the sweetest little flower shop in Oklahoma that I am employed at. She was 36 years old, and left behind three babies all under the age of 10. In reference, the impact of her passing changed me for worse before it changed me for better. On January 18th, it marks six months without her. But there isn’t a single day that goes by, that I don’t think about her.
Initially, I ran away from the grief. No, literally… I actually packed my bags with the intention of never going back to Oklahoma because I didn’t want to deal with it. Then, I shoved it down, then I watched it start eating away at my true character, then I saw it take the joy out of my body, then I caught it sneaking up at every corner. I’d never felt those feelings before. Frankly, I didn’t know how to handle them. Surrounded by people I knew wouldn’t understand anything when I talked about it, I just shoved it down. And I didn’t just shove it down once, I just kept shoving it down, deeper and deeper, harder and harder, until I couldn’t feel anything anymore. But, the only thing I learned about shoving the grief down is that it turns you into a monster. On August 28th, 2024 I made the decision to head back South because for a month and a half I allowed the grief to eat me up. Looking back, it was a miracle that God woke me up soon enough because the monster that it had already turned me into, was not pretty at all.
None of this is said to tell you that your journey with grief will be anything like mine. Every single person will have a completely different walk with grief, with every person they experience it for. I say this all, to simply to bring light to the blaming card I just recently stopped pulling on the man who died for my sins.
“Why did you have to take her so soon?” “Why didn’t you give me the chance to see her one more time?” “Why did you allow me to distance myself so far from everyone?” “Why did you make me deal with that pain all on my own?” “Why did you put me through more hell in that month and a half after her passing than you ever have?” Every single one of these questions came up more than a handful of times. I threw every ounce of blame on my Jesus. But this past Sunday, when the Pastor said that… it all changed. He took her so soon because He needed her more than we did, and He knew she was tired of fighting, He didn’t give me the chance to see her one more time because the last time we were together, our goodbye then was so beautiful, He allowed me to distance myself because He knew I needed to realize that I was supposed to deal with the grief, He made me deal with it all on my own to not only remind me of how strong He has created me to be but also to show me that only He can heal like that, He made me go through things I didn’t want to go through because it was His way to leading me back down south so I could finally deal with all the all the things He needed me to.
I suddenly caught myself no longer discounting His grace and endless mercy. But stepping back and being reminded that there was a purpose in everything. He has shown up in every single second of this grief journey. And not for one minute does He deserve to be discounted for all His grace.
To every single person that may have read this far, I hope that even if you aren’t experiencing grief… you aren’t discounting the Lord for the endless grace and mercy He has given you. I pray that if you are looking at the beautiful ways He has blessed those around you, and if you are feeling jealous because of it, you go drop that off at the foot of the cross.
And, if you are experiencing grief and you have read this far… I hope you know life is so beautiful Heaven Side. And that it’s probably really easy to discount His never ending mercy and grace in this season of life that feels extra heavy. I pray that you see Him working even when it hurts the most. He has purpose to everything.
Tonight’s takeaway, He loves you all so very endlessly.
Grief or no grief, allow this to be your reminder to not discount Him.
Love you all so big,
C
